Writer’s #BLOCK

I was in my mid twenties when MySpace became a thing. I just read through an old journal and there was this particularly entertaining entry about how I was worried that MySpace was going to destroy genuine human connection eventually because it causes folks to assume so much about another person without taking the time to actually get to know them. I referred to it as a “dog and pony show” and a system that I’m completely enabling by participating in. I made note of how everyone seems to enjoy it, and think it’s this really great thing, but it’s making me feel “gross” inside. Well, I’ll be damned if it’s not almost 20 years later and I’m still feeling gross. Maybe even grosser. Okay, a lot grosser. 

With the mountains of evidence claiming social media isn’t the greatest space for those who struggle with depression, addiction and anxiety (alas, social media creates much of that anxiety), every day I wonder why I still mess with it. Some days it’s totally wonderful and I love it and it’s this amazing way to connect. But then some days it only makes me feel like shit, inadequate and a complete and total failure. Lately, it’s been doing more harm that good. I would completely reconsider my relationship with anyone who’d make me feel that way IRL, we’d call them “toxic”, so why do I keep giving social media so many chances? Rhetorical question, of course. We all know the answer to that.

BECAUSE IT’S ADDICTIVE AS FUCK! And that’s by design.

It is no exaggeration that I am a sensitive soul and sometimes don’t feel tough enough to handle this new world of social media ruling everything, all of these weird rituals and unspoken rules, most days it feels a lot like a game I really don’t want to play. It is completely overwhelming. I hate how it distracts us from life. Real life. We see different versions of it on our tiny phones, but it it’s only the version someone else wants us to see, or it’s the version you want to create or procure. I do it, you do it, we all do it.

I despise how it mines our phones for data, then uses that data to sell us things. The more time you spend using social media, the more shit they sell to you using your own data, the more money they make. We are paying them with our time to sell us things. You lose productivity, money and self esteem and they become billionaires. But that’s an entirely different conversation altogether.

I’m lucky enough to have grown up without social media until my mid-twenties. I say lucky because I’m fortunate I didn’t have to struggle as a teen or child with the dark side of social media as so many teens do today. It wasn’t a thing in high school. We didn’t even have cell phones. Take a moment and imagine a world where people aren’t obsessed with their phones. Or laptops. Or social media accounts. If you’ve lived in that world, then you know how it feels. To me, not having the burden of social media always peeking its head around the corner felt wonderful. I see how much of a struggle it is for me today, a grown up, to reckon with my opposing feelings toward the technology, to see how it impacts my own self esteem, and I can’t imagine what it would be like for a kid today. A kid who is already confused about their place in this world. 

At this point I’ve spent days, weeks, maybe even months of my life reading news stories about the dangers of social media. I’ve listened to so many audio books and podcasts pertaining to this subject. Shit, I have friends who have written and published whole ass books on the dangers of social media. I have done my research. I know it’s bad. Real bad. Not good at all for our mental health. I know all of this stuff. Yet I’m still here.

I think it’s obvious I love long form writing. I love to be honest with myself, lay it all out there for my friends. I don’t know if social media is the right place for me to do that, since there seems to be a lot of stigmas attached to most everything on social media. So many confusing built-in social mores. What’s acceptable, what’s annoying, blocking, muting, following, unfollowing, private profiles, public profiles, cliques, close friends only, liking, oversharing, not sharing enough, the entire concept of content, being relatable, fun, edgy, cool, unbothered, totally bothered, woke, political, apolitical, apathetic, dealing with that special brand of passive aggressiveness that only the internet can offer and the list goes on. NOT to MENTION conspiracy theories, misinformation, and how social media is being used all over the world to influence and sway elections, and not in the good way. My enthusiasm and desire for all of these things in my life has really plunged, it’s at Marianas trench levels at this point. So my hope is that I can connect with writing again. Writing is something that I used to do A LOT of before social media. Notebooks and notebooks and notebooks full of journals and stories. I want to get back to that.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CONNECTIONS WITH OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES?!

Yes, I realize there are some benefits to social media, but we all know what those are and I don’t really need to beat you over the head with it. I’ve gone years without social media in the past and I wasn’t erased from the planet just because I lost my digital identity. In fact, I felt really good. Free. I texted with my friends. I didn’t have to accept a FB request to get invited to a party. I laid low. I made art. I got my daily news from a variety of unbiased news outlets. I signed back up because I felt the pressure as a professional person in the world to have a digital identity. Isn’t it mandatory? I know it’s not, but it certainly feels that way sometimes.

My main point here is that right now, it’s not working for me. Maybe it will be further on down the road, but I’m realizing that I’ve been feeling this way for quite some time, almost 20 odd years. It’s time I actually listened to myself and put my money where my mouth is instead of screaming it from the rooftop. I’m sure everyone’s tired of hearing me scream it at this point. I would be too. And that’s essentially my point. I’m removing myself from the equation right now because I see that it is me with the issue, not everyone else. I hope one day we can all see how we’re letting social media take over our lives, but I guess everyone needs to come to that realization on their own timeline and deal with it in their own way. Or not. It’s not my place to force that on anyone. With regard to social media, I’m going to lay low for a while. I don’t know how long. To be honest, I hope it’s forever, but we’ll see about that. I’m sure everyone feels the same way I do as well, to varying degrees. I’m just a tortured soul type and need to be dramatic. I love you. Thank you for understanding.